3 Common Issues in Men Today
There are quite a few of these today. Men are hurting, lost, confused, angry, and depressed. We, as a whole, are not owning the authenticity of masculinity within us and are allowing ourselves to be marginalized within society today. Part of this is due to the ridiculous nature of social media and news outlets in general who have no comprehension of the detriment they are causing society by playing the vast minority view as opposed to what society actually needs and what is actually showing up for men today. And part of this is due to men’s inability to accept their own shit and deal with it through healthy ways of processing so that the root of the issues are addressed. These are themes on WHY this stuff is not being dealt with but what we are talking about mainly in this article are the three common components I see within men today that are truly harming us from progressing and developing a healthy way to show the world how much an integral part masculinity is to a well balanced society, so let’s get into it.
Integrity
For me this is a big one. In 2nd Battalion of the 75th Ranger Regiment we had a saying that we lived by, “Integrity is what you do when no one is watching.” In society today I see men with little to no integrity. There is a pervasive thought process that if no one is there to see it happen then why do it? The issues with this is our brains, our morals, and our instincts are affected by this. If we set our goals up to complete something but we justify not getting it done then we register this in our subconscious as us lying to ourselves and not holding to our own obligations/promises, e.g. hit the snooze button on our alarm. The more we do this, the more we as men do not take ourselves seriously within our own minds and we begin to deteriorate our own follow through. This is where the structures of integrity breakdown and nefarious other effects begin to take hold. While this is happening we start to justify not making it to the gym, not telling our spouses that we love them, not showing up for the kids or spending too much time vegging out on the couch. It starts to create perpetual issues that cause us to fall into laziness with the added implications of depression because of a loss of confidence. We get fat, we get lethargic, we live for vices, and so on.
The toxicity of lacking integrity becomes a root to many issues men have, which is why I listed this as one of the three. Once it starts, it bleeds into other areas of our lives and we fix that one piece we can actually bring a lot back together for ourselves. But when we lose integrity we lose respect for ourselves. We then begin to criticize and punish ourselves because we know what we SHOULD have done and we know what we actually DID do. You can’t run from your own mind and you can’t lie. Even if you figure out a justification, your instincts know better and this is where men see a lot of dysfunction and conflict within themselves. Once we lose respect for ourselves we lose confidence and the loss of confidence leads to a loss of sex appeal and leadership. You see the snowball effect of just this one piece within our psyche? In short, integrity may be one of the most integral pieces to us continuing to evolve as men but we need to actually look at it and how it is showing up in our lives so that we can address it.
Emotional Intelligence
Why emotional intelligence? Well, men tend to lack empathy because we don’t typically get emotionally invested in issues, we just try to solve them. We see it and say, “ok, if the issue is X then we can solve it with Y and the problem will no longer exist.” Now here lies the issue. When we do this two things happen, 1) we don’t actually address how this made us FEEL and how to process those feelings so our minds do not harbor those emotional effects and stuff them down becoming triggers; and 2) we don’t learn how to have understanding for ourselves. Both of these issues play integral parts into how we treat ourselves and how we treat others. When we harbor unaddressed emotions we end up acting out towards other people and we end up resenting ourselves for seemingly unknown reasons. However, our subconscious knows the reasons which is why if we do not address it on the spot it will take more effort and time to address down the road. Not to mention it could cost you relationships with those you love all because as a man, you didn't want to address the emotions and you believed that creating a solution to the problem in front of you was the only answer.
With establishing empathy for ourselves, it comes down to how we treat ourselves. Men are exceptionally good at criticizing and belittling ourselves but we are extremely terrible at acknowledging the good things we do in life or the accomplishments we have achieved. But the main reason for all of this is because we lack the understanding of empathy. It’s not inherent within us. It’s a skill we need to develop over time. In order to do so, we have to be willing to acknowledge our emotional state of nurturing and love. If we can do that in a way that isn’t “I would kill for them” or “I would die for them” (not sure why men always have to go to extremes to show emotional connection) then we can give ourselves kinder thoughts and words which help us to establish a happier life and mindset. We stop sitting in as much resentment and shame and instead, we live in possibilities and happiness. It all starts with empathy for ourselves which then links into understanding others as well, which enhances our relationships.
Seeking Mentorship/Guidance
At some point in our past men were told that at a certain age, they could not ask any questions any more and had to pretend to know everything because if not, then they would be emasculated and looked down upon by their peers. This has developed into an unhealthy mindset where men do not seek guidance or mentorship from other men. It inherently bleeds into why we do not ask for help or support either. This becomes one in the same. When we lack seeking support from leaders or brothers, we end up believing that 1) we are in this alone and 2) that we are the only one’s going through whatever it is we are dealing with. Both are not true but many men out there today believe this. If we simply asked for guidance or support we would find out that not only are we not alone in our thoughts or struggles, but they are more common than we even believe. Inherently, we would no longer feel alone and we could feel a weight lifted off of our chest. But with our refusal to do so we perpetuate the depression and saddened states that commonly affects men. So we need to realize that asking for these things do not make you less of a man, in actuality it makes you a stronger man who will be able to help others and it creates stronger ties to the men you keep in your circle. If we can get past an outdated perception of emasculation that was never true, we can drastically improve the state of men and their own development.
The key is these three common struggles have a solution all based in the same reality which is men need to start being honest with themselves and say that they need to look at the world differently. If we can start to see that the solution lies within us and being honest about what we are going through, then we can improve our states of mind and improve masculinity within this world. In the end, the world deserves a better caliber of man and we are obligated to give it to them.